Change is a great thing, until it happens to us when we aren't quite prepared to deal with it. When change comes unexpectedly, it often creates conflict for those involved. And change creates no less conflict among believers in the church than it does to those outside of the church. 

Conflict among Christians is often a negative experience. After all, we are told, "If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone" (Romans 12:18, NIV). We may wish to live in peace but feel as though we need to say something about the things that are happening around us. 

How can we know when both the time and issue are appropriate for engaging in conflict? Perhaps it will help to understand the difference between biblical reasons for engaging in conflict and unbiblical ones. 

When Conflict is Wrong 
Let's start with the wrong reasons to engage in conflict. Perhaps the worst reason for entering a conflict is to insist on our own way when compromise is possible and will not violate our values. Contrary to what we may think privately, we don't have the right to have things our way. There is simply no biblical support for doing so. This insistence on our own way can lead to some petty conflicts, as happened recently in my church. 

We are located near a university and a college, and our pastor decided that a less formal look on Sundays might attract more of that particular age group. He reported that his change from a suit and tie to a sports shirt was the most commented-upon change he had made all year long, and that many of the comments were unduly negative. 

Is compromise possible with respect to dress in the church? Certainly. Does compromise violate important values? Probably not. 

A clearly invalid reason for engaging in conflict in the church is when the other person is serving as a convenient outlet for our issue because we fear confronting the person who really is responsible for the problem. Pastors' wives are often the targets of frustration on the part of church members, because those members may not want to say anything to the pastor directly. Or, we may talk to other people in the church about our problem, gaining support and sympathy, without ever talking to someone who could actually do something about the problem. This, too, is a bad idea. 

Another reason for avoiding conflict is when we have an impulse to teach someone else a lesson, because that feeling often arises from a selfish desire to make someone else look wrong. In the event that you believe that God has appointed you to be a truth-teller in a particular situation, make sure you are hearing His voice accurately and that you have the credibility and experience to gently bring the other person into alignment with what God has told you. You should also make sure that confronting the other person immediately is more important and will do more good to that person and the members of the church than if you simply wait on that person to realize his or her mistake. 

Other reasons for avoiding conflict are found in the petty motives that can tempt any of us-wanting to belittle or shame another person, or to provoke someone into doing something stupid so that his or her position will be harmed. Conflict is not simply unadvisable when driven by these motives; it is sinful. 

When Conflict is Avoided 
Of course, there are some who will avoid conflict quite easily when it should be encountered. They hide behind verses that exhort us to live at peace, while shirking the responsibility of true friendship and love in the church. 

Just as there are invalid reasons to engage in conflict, there are invalid reasons to avoid entering into a conflict. Perhaps the most invalid of those reasons is a desire not to be uncomfortable. This fear of discomfort, along with the often-misguided hope that, if we wait long enough, someone else will initiate the conflict for us, is an illegitimate reason for avoiding conflict. 

Another reason we avoid conflict is due to fear of what the other person's response might be. We may be afraid that the other person will get angry, or that the other person will tell us that the issue of the conflict is none of our concern. But if you have truly prayed about the issue and believe that you must confront the other person, then not to do so is to be disobedient to God's call. 

When Conflict is Necessary 
If there are so many reasons for avoiding conflict, then when should we enter into the fray? One reason is to help another person perceive an important central truth about God or about Christian behavior, provided that we have both the knowledge and a relationship with the other that provides an opportunity to do so. Recently, for example, someone confronted me about something I had said. It was uncomfortable for her, and she ran the risk of me not hearing what she wanted to tell me. She had the right to confront me on this issue, and she had the credibility to do so. She started off by telling me that she really did not want to say what she was about to say, and then told me the problem. She predicted my reaction accurately. I wasn't really happy to hear what she said. At the time, all I could bring myself to say was that I had heard her and that I would think and pray about the matter. 

About four hours after that conversation, I let her know she had been right, and that I was glad she had told me. But the simple fact is this: Her discomfort was not a sufficient reason for waiting. Good relationships depend on the ability of each person in it to tell the other person the truth. Had I no relationship with this woman, her words probably would have had little impact on me and we might have never been able to build one after the conversation. 

Boundaries concerning behavior are often the basis for conflict within the church. If someone is engaging in disruptive behavior during a church service, that person may need to be confronted. Again, though, we need to make certain that we are focused on legitimate issues. 

As I have attended services in my church during the past years, some of these questions have been relevant. Should a young woman who is exposing her breast while breastfeeding her baby in the pew be asked to move to the nursery? Should people who are eating and drinking in the sanctuary during a church service be asked to stop? Should a person who routinely comes to worship services late be asked to sit in the back rather than coming all the way to the front? Should a group of church members using facilities be required to pay a damage deposit because they have left the facilities dirty in the past? The appropriateness of engaging in conflict in these situations depends also on the expectations of the church. 

Perhaps the most important reason to engage in conflict in the church is to protect one who is not able to protect himself or herself. Several years ago, my daughter was scheduled to move up to the junior high youth group. She was still in sixth grade in a private elementary school, but our youth group followed the conventions of local public schools, which include sixth grade in junior high. My daughter was not ready to leave her friends in the elementary school group, and she didn't feel as though she fit in with the junior high group. I was fairly certain that there would be other children who occasionally shared her feelings. I went to the youth pastor and explained that, while I appreciated her efforts to mesh church and school experiences, a one-size-fits-all approach to promotion may not be the best policy. After some discussion, our church agreed that sixth graders could choose to stay with the elementary students rather than be promoted into junior high. That flexibility worked for my daughter and several other children who were unable to take care of the problem on their own. 

Rules of Engagement 
Once we have decided that we will have to engage in a conflict, the next thing we need to do is plan how we will approach it. Biblically, we are to deal with a person individually, unless that person is unwilling to hear what is said (Matthew 18:15-17). It is just as important to speak responsibly as it is to decide whether and how to engage in conflict. Dudley D. Cahn, professor of communication at State University of New York, and I have coined a phrase we call "STLC"-Stop, Think, Listen, and Communicate. 

The "Stop" and "Think" portions have to do with what I have been talking about so far. Stop-is this really a conflict? Do I have the biblical right or obligation to do something about this problem? Think-what is the best way to approach this problem? 

"Listen" comes before "Commun-icate" in our model for a very good reason. Often, people rush into a conflict, saying what is on their minds without really hearing what the other person has to say. David Augsburger once wrote "The feeling of being listened to is so close to the feeling of being loved that most people cannot tell the difference." If we are to confront others in love, we must be prepared to hear what they have to say. 

Finally, it is time to talk. Communicating in a Christian manner requires that we take responsibility for what we think-not "Everyone thinks you are behaving improperly," but "I think your behavior is inappropriate." And not "Everyone knows that isn't true," but "I don't believe it." We can't hide behind broad statements about everybody else. We need to stand up and say what we think. 

Communicating in a Christian manner also requires that we tell the other why the situation is important to us, say how we feel about the situation, and explain what we would like to see changed as a result of the conversation. These "I" statements have four parts: 

• A feelings statement: I feel...       
• A problem behaviors statement: When I...       
• A consequences statement: Because I (think, believe)...       
• A goal statement: I'd like (want, wish)...

The way the request is made helps the listener to know that it is a request, not a demand. And by phrasing it this way you are more likely to hear the other person's reasons for doing things as he or she has. Respon-sible communication invites listening and exchange. Irresponsible communication-"You know, I really don't like the way you're doing worship these days"-shuts it down. 

Of course, conversations don't happen this easily. You won't always have the chance to say all four parts of your "I" statement before the other person interrupts. But if you have thought through what you would like to say, and how to say it in a responsible manner, your conflict is likely to be more controlled. 

Both change and conflict are hard. And too often, our response is to avoid doing anything. We simply opt to leave the church we're attending, finding another place that works until it is too uncomfortable. We lose, and in the long run, so does the church. 

Roxane S. Lulofs is a professor of communication studies at Azusa Pacific University. She has most recently co-authored a book entitled Change and Conflict: From Theory to Action (Allyn and Bacon).