In second grade I was welcome to play with the boys at recess because I did a good German accent and my portrayal of a German navy commandant was quite believable. During that break from schoolwork I could usually be found commanding a half dozen seven-year-old men in our U-boat, trying to outrun the giant American submarines manned by superior forces numbering over a dozen sweaty little burr-headed boys. I created complex narratives from the fabric of my father's World War II experience, putting up a grand fight against the noble Americans in my jungle-gym navy.

Because they could do nothing but silently swing from the monkey bars watching our daily drama, I had a vague notion the other girls in my class did not appreciate my participation in the war. So one day, in an effort to assert my incipient femininity, I quit the game and began to play with the girls. Much to my surprise, the boys sent an emissary to bring me back. The messenger said it was a boring war without me because all the guys did was make gun noises and run around, but there was no plot. I returned to my battle station to fight another day, feeling a sense of pride because the boys had acknowledged my unique contribution. And I returned smiling because, in my absence, I had already concocted a number of intricately designed combat scenarios in my little blond head.

Gaining Respect from the Boys
My best days in ministry are like those days on the playground-the days when the boys realize they need me and want me in the game because I bring an essential spark. I have served in full-time ministry for many years since those improvisational sandbox wars, and I've learned some things. Navigat-ing the seas of ministry is undeniably tough for anyone, and doing it well requires patience, skill, tenacity and humor. It also requires a fierce stewardship of one's spiritual gifts balanced with a willingness to offer these gifts to God with vulnerability.

It seems to be taking me a very long time to get the hang of this balancing act. Perhaps, a little too long. I sometimes think it's God's sweet irony to have made me a female, an artist, a communicator, a worship leader, a dreamer and a leader whose heartbeat is strategic creativity, then placing me in a church where women are not included in the top levels of leadership, strategy or vision casting. Yes, getting the hang of stewarding those gifts seems to be taking forever.

I serve on the worship staff of a medium-size church. I am not a pastor, and, to be honest, I don't want to be a pastor. But I work closely with pastors and love them dearly. They are unusual men with amazing hearts. My dad is a pastor as is my husband. Come to think of it, I have always been surrounded by pastors. And, while I don't captain a German sub anymore, I do have the occasional thrill of introducing a fresh battle scenario, if you will, within a ministry context.

Challenges Faced by Women in Ministry
The hardest part of being a woman in ministry is consistently being confronted by issues of gender. The "gender thing" creates access problems galore. In my church, sometimes you just can't get to the guys to talk things over. Other times you wonder why you don't get invited to major decision-making, paradigm-shifting gatherings, especially when you know that some people are there not because they contribute but because they're guys. The hardest part is when you are left standing in the hall outside a closed door and you know that you may just have the essential spark that's needed on the other side of that door.

Before I realized that God's provision of prayer was the antidote for the collective rejection of the women outside that door, I did some crazy things. I did every project I was asked to do. I produced and made it look easy because I never complained. I did too much, hoping to someday be able to contribute at the strategic, creative level. In return, all I received was clinical depression. When I told the gentleman who was then my boss, he stared blankly and said something like, "Huh? Well, maybe you should take tomorrow off."

It was then I began to grasp the fact that my help cometh from the Lord. I began to ask Him to help me carry the tremendous weight of my unopened gifts. I learned the hard way that prayer is the only recourse. I realized He was asking me to step into a role that in fact did affect my whole church and might just bring the potent blessing that we all-men and women-were thirsting for. I began to pray for the women who ache to use their leadership and communication gifts in concert with their brothers in Christ. I began to ask God to open eyes, change hearts and bring his daughters into the flow of church life. I discovered God had given several other women the same prayer agenda.

A close friend saw the toll these situations were exacting from my church and me. She challenged me to approach one of the pastors and articulate the situation, reminding me that I was accountable to God for what I did not say, as much as for what I did say. "Besides, you're a storyteller," she challenged, "and you see so much. Maybe God wants you to champion this."

"But I'm scared. If I speak up and I'm misunderstood, something terrible might happen." Then I realized something. "Why is there so much fear whenever this gender stuff comes up?" I asked aloud. "What are we all so afraid of?"

"Well," my friend answered, "I know what you're afraid of. You're scared the guys are going to think you're one of those 'strong-willed' women who are greatly to be feared!"

"Aha!" The prayer agenda became clearer.

"Well, Lord, it's time for You to convince my pastors that Proverbs 31 is not the sum total of what You have to say about half of the people You've created," I began. "You are the only One who can fix this mess. Please, help us see through Your eyes. Teach us how to use our gifts. Give us faith and cast out our fear."

Even though the Bible seems clear that God never wants us to have the spirit of fear (II Tim. 1:7), it would seem that this issue is fraught with those who would react out of suspicion and anxiety. Much of the American church has unfortunately allowed the outright exclusion of women, denying the church those elements of the Spirit which are motherly, creative, intuitive and passionate. I am convinced that this has grieved the heart of God deeply because His provision for the church has been complete. And yet, when one half of His creation is neglected participation in the body of Christ, what else can we do but mourn the loss and return to God with contrite hearts?

Reconciliatory Rhetoric
Soon after this epiphany, I was at a conference where the theme was reconciliation. Each session was a powerful time of worship, conviction, repentance and a realization of the need for reconciliation. Charismatic pastors and non-charismatics repented of their attitudes towards each other. Black pastors reconciled with white, and Native Ameri-cans forgave us all for the terrible injustices visited on their people. These emotional moments included tearful embracing and foot-washing that symbolized the desire to humbly serve each other.

When there was no longer a dry eye in the room and it seemed the entire world had reconciled, the leader announced the need for reconciliation in creation's fundamental rift: the one between men and women. I held my breath, as did most of the women in the room. He asked us to stand. We did.

"Is this where the revival is going to begin, Lord?" I asked breathlessly.

"Let's give all the ladies a round of applause for all they've been through," the leader said.

The men in the room applauded wildly. I turned scarlet, got dizzy and barely made it outside.

"Applause? That's it?! What happened to the tears and the kneeling and foot washing and repenting? Applause? Where is that in the Bible?"

These experiences have kept me on my knees, crying out for the blindness to be removed. The good news is that God hears and He is at work.

Rising to the Challenge
Some time later, during an especially sweet worship department prayer meeting, the Lord echoed my friend's challenge. "It's time to take a step. I've given you understanding and experience. It's time to tell the truth in love." I did. I don't remember what I said, but I do remember how God brought a spirit of revelation, and my own boss responded with insight, repentance and compassion.

"I never saw your pain before," he said through tears. "Will you forgive me?" And through my own tears I said "yes." One-on-one reconciliation is a solid beginning.

This risky, prayerful truth-telling marked a new freedom, a new bond of fearlessness, trust and hope in our worship ministry. Since that day, we pray together often about the issues of valuing women, honoring their gifts and acknowledging their experience. We ask God to change hearts and He is. God has begun to do a new work among our worship staff and our church. As Christ empowers us to minister with the grace of His acceptance and nourishment of His encouragement, these crazy, divisive fears are being disarmed.

The truth is, what women bring to life or leadership or the arts or the church is what Eve brought to Eden: a nurturing nature, eyes that read behavior, a risk-taking curiosity, the ability to hear and see outside the male spectrum, verbal acuity and fine-motor skills, grace, vulnerability and beauty. God gave Eve to Adam because she completed him. She brought wise counsel Adam did not naturally have. A family isn't complete without women, and neither is a church. God did not intend for women to be optional. If a church leadership team can run without women, isn't something missing?

Women are not meant to be onlookers or ornaments, but to be integral-bringing completeness and wholeness to the family of God. Just as the Lord speaks to His people through godly men, He also delights in speaking to godly men through humble women. He rejoices to bring truth, innovation, insight and responsiveness to our lives and our worship through both men and women who listen to His voice. The Lord longs for his sons and daughters to be in right relationship, reconciled to Him and to each other, living productively and at peace.

I think it makes God happy when one of His little communities grows beyond being two opposing camps to being an interactive family. As a parent, I love it when my children embrace rather than endure each other's company. In the Church, at our best we are a family of brothers and sisters, aunts and uncles, nieces and nephews just before Thanksgiving dinner. We are beckoned by smells from God's kitchen, anticipating the big table and serving each other; the biggest reaching to help the smallest, eagerly looking for the party to begin and hoping to experience the depth of community in the way that it was intended. We are listening, laughing, celebrating, feeding and being fed. We are most alive at these moments because everyone is welcome, everyone has something important to offer, everyone is heard and everyone is welcomed at the table.